You Shouldn't Hate People for Silly Reasons

BOB generally likes people who are different from him, as long as they don't eat with spoons.

The Book of Bob, Chapter 4

The Great Bobland

People unholy to Bob are not able to grasp the power of Bobland. Millions upon millions of Bobs lived in a place that totally Bob and is wonderfully Bob.

In the center of Bobland there is an enormous mall where every store is entitled Bob. For instance, the Nudy Bob, The Bob, Bob's Auto Repairs, Bob's Store. This is a place where normal Bobs roam free.

Around the mall lies the downtown district, known simply as Bob. In the center of downtown, there is the world's largest spork manufacturing company, located conveniently next to the company is the helicopter-ejection seat test area, which is so large anyone who went in there never came out. The rebuilt llama farms (see chapter VI) and dead cow farms are not far away.

The first All-Powerful, All-Knowing Bob built an aluminum foil shack just outside the downtown district. It has since been made into a monument, and is the central site of all pilgrimages to Bobland.

Outside the downtown district is a suburban area known as Bob.

Three Pronged Sporks are Best

It's true. BOB likes three pronged sporks better than four pronged sporks. One prong for each letter in BOB's holy name. A 4spork is still better than a spoon or a fork, but a holy 3SPORK should be used for rituals.

The Rules of Tubball, from the Book of BOB

The rules of Tubball are as follows:

No one shall have physical contact with the player holding the ball. Any illegal physical contact is called warbling.

The player holding the ball shall not take more than four steps without tossing the ball into the air a distance of not less than four centimeters, to be caught by himself or another player. This is known as the rule of four.

For throwing the ball into the tub, the team whose player threw the ball shall receive three points, excepting in the following cases:

Players standing in excess of one half court’s length from the tub shall receive five points if the ball lands in the tub and stays in.

Should any of the following conditions be met, the relevant player shall be allowed to stand unobstructed and throw the ball while positioned three eights court’s length distant from the tub:

If the ball bounces out on a five point throw without hitting the rim. This is called a chivegrinder.

If the player is touched while throwing the ball at the tub. This is called a yardinnger.

If the ball hits the rim and breaks, with only one part going into the tub, except in the case of a five point throw, in which case the same unobstructed throw may be made, but with a reward of two points for it. This is called a brokleswich.

If a llama runs onto the court while a player is making a throw. This is called a llama penalty.

If the tub is knocked down by the force of the player’s throw, his team shall receive four points instead of three, unless one of the other conditions is met, in which case one point shall be added to a five point throw but no points shall be added to throws valued at less than three points. This is called a +1 strength bonus.

When one team has more players than the other, the team with fewer players may chose which side to play on, but if they do they forfeit their otherwise automatic right to take possession of the ball first, and standard rules for deciding this shall apply. This is known as the Lone Ranger’s Gambit.

If any player calls out acceptance of the Lone Ranger’s Gambit without consulting his team, then he is known as a Lone Ranger and a Lone Ranger’s Trial event occurs. If there is more than one Lone Ranger on a team, one Lone Ranger may not take part in the following action concerning the other Lone Ranger:

A Lone Ranger’s decision to accept the Lone Ranger’s gambit may be ratified by the rest of the team, with the exception of other Lone Rangers, who as previously mentioned shall not have decision making power in this regard. However, if the team does not ratify the Lone Ranger’s acceptance, they may choose to trade the Lone Ranger for an opponent’s player of the opposing team’s choice. However, any player voicing a decision to the other team on this matter without consulting his own team first is also a Lone Ranger and must also face the Lone Ranger’s trial after conclusion of the present one, which he shall no longer be allowed to take part in. If the team does not choose to ratify the Lone Ranger’s Gambit and does not choose to force a trade, they may take possession of the ball as normal, but the opposing team shall have choice of sides, instead of use of the usual procedure.

The standard procedure for determining which side a team will play on is as follows: The team members shall line up in a row facing the row of the other team’s players. The two rows shall advance on one another, and the players must attempt to run through the gaps in the line of their opponent. Those who fall down during this process must stay down, excepting in the case that they choose to walk to the bench or sideline, where they must sit or lie down. Those who fail to breach the enemy line but do not fall must exit the court and sit on the sideline, and should be pushed down if they refuse. When one team has only one member remaining, he shall attempt to run through the opponents’ line. If he fails, the opponent’s team shall have the right to pick their side of the court. If he is successful, however, he shall pick his team’s side. If he does so without consulting his team, he shall be a Lone Ranger, but he shall be not stand trial, for no one on his team is left standing to try him. He shall therefore face no penalty for taking the decision into his own hands, and so will be known as the Solo Ranger. The Solo Ranger will not be allowed to be a team captain in the next game, unless he already is a team captain, in which case he may again be a team captain.

The standard procedure for determining which side will have first possession of the ball is as follows: The two team captains will stand back to back in the center of the court, and the tallest player aside from the captains shall stand between them. If the tallest player apart from the captains is shorter than one or both of the captains, he shall stand on a crate, log, official starting post, or any other appropriate object. He shall then balance the ball on his head and jump as high as he can, and upon landing, dart to one side so as to be clear of the captains, who shall then attempt to grab the ball. Physical contact with the person holding the ball is allowed in this stage of the game, as a brief struggle for possession may take place if both players grab the ball at the same time. If one touches the ball first but then breaks contact and reestablishes said contact at approximately the same time as his opponent, both players may touch the ball. If, however, one player clearly grabs and holds the ball first, he shall be immune from grappling attempts by his opponent, and shall pick which team gains possession first. If he chooses the opposing team without consulting his team, he is a Lone Ranger and must be tried by his team. If he chooses his own team, he shall not be tried.

This concludes the rules of Tubball, national sport of Bobland.

Introduction to the Book of Bob

Introduction
In the past, present, and future, there was, is, and will be BOB. Bob is the light that comes from darkness. The hope that comes from despair. The courage that comes from fear. The salsa that comes from Tahiti. Bob is everything that's good, and everything that's bad. Bob is All, All is Bob. Bob is Bob.

Bob X: The Flood

Chapter X
The Flood
Shortly after the commandments were given, Ralph blew up a nearby dam, sending millions of gallons of water flooding into Bobland's streets. Despite the fact that one goldfish named Sven, who was about to die from loss of water, turned out to live and swim in the waters happily (or at least until that next Tuesday, when he ran out of food too!), much of the city was ravaged. The Almighty Bob called for a meeting of all the wisest Bobs in the land. They said that the flood should stay, for many more fishies could be saved. However, the All-Good Bob disagreed. "The dead cows are drowning! The llamas are having trouble flying away because their wings are heavy with water!" Bob protested.
A messenger ran in. "Sir, the downtown district is now under water! The paper-mache fortresses have become weak and water-logged! We must do something!"
A wise Bob said, "We can't even use our sporks to dredge away the water, they will not hold liquid!" "But we can't use spoons!" another jumped in.
Suddenly, with a twinge of pain, The Great Bob remembered that his aluminum foil shack would not be able to withstand the excess water! "Screw the fishies! We must --" "Sir", interrupted a wise Bob, "How does one screw a fish?"
Bob's rage grew, but then he had an idea. He would tell all the wise Bobs to duck -- sorry, I mean pour dehydrated water on the city from helicopters. The dehydrated water will hydrate to form water, but it will get confused because water was what it started out with, and it would seem nice if the dehydrated water would do something useful. The dehydrated water, in an attempt to look useful, would then try to come up with theory of relativity and when it miserably failed, the newly hydrated water would flee in anguish.
The wise Bobs began to mutter amongst themselves, but Bob put his foot down. "We MUST save Bobland. Somehow. Not for us, maybe not for our children, and maybe not even for the llamas. We must save Bobland just to piss off Ralph!"
And so it was done. The water, in its failed attempt to look useful, flooded away and left the streets of Bobland bone dry. Bobland won once again. Yay.

Bob IX: The Twelve Commandments

Chapter IX
The Twelve Commandments
After witnessing the rebellion, The Great Bob decided to give Bobs everywhere some laws to live by or die horribly and painfully by in a great expanse of bloody crusades for. (See Christianity) These have become known as the Bob Commandments. A brief list follows:
1. A LLAMA IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH
2. THOU SHALT NOT BUY THIS BOOK
3. THOU SHALT NOT TRUST BLUE ALIENS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE PINK
4. THOU SHALL MAKE ONE HOLY PILGRIMAGE TO THE LAND OF BOB
5. THE AUTHORS OF THIS BOOK ARE EXTREMELY EVIL
6. THOU SHALT NOT USE BOB'S NAME IN VAIN
7. THOU SHALT NOT HAVE YOUR BOB AND EAT IT TOO
8. THOU SHALT EAT ALL YOUR MEALS WITH SPORKS
9. THOU SHALT SAY, "THE SIXTH SHEIK'S SIXTH SHEEP IS SICK" 10 TIMES FAST
10. THOU SHALT NOT KNOWINGST. THEREFORE, HASBEEN, CONSIENCOUSLY, HENCEFORTH, ART THOU FORSAKENESS?
12. THERE IS NO ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT.
As the newly appointed The Bob read these commandments, the people cheered; for they knew then they had 12 utterly useless rules to live by.

Thrashbarg 14

And the Great BOB spoke to them, saying:

Behold, for thou who art faithful unto me, thy BOB, shall mine ore from the Earth, and thou shalt make of it for thyselves sporks in the image of my One True Spork, which doth hang in the expanse of sky above thee. Thou shalt employ thine sporks at every meal, and useth not any other utensil, for the spork is the one true utensil, and all others shall be abomination to thee. Spoons shall thou not use; neither use thee forks. Knives are right out. And when thou hast eaten thine meal with thy spork, give thanks unto me, thy BOB, who hast imparted unto thee the secret of the spork.

And so the people did rejoice, for given unto them was the power and the glory of the spork, and it was to be theirs for ever and ever.